a note to the public regarding my "note to self"

i must say a few things. i realized today that my previous "note to self" regarding the trauma sustained during my pregnancy may have offended or hurt feelings of some who are either sensitive to bodily functions or not blessed to have children of their own. for those sensitive to bodily functions, well... you should know by now to not read my blog, haha! for those sensitive to the ability of others to have children, i apologize. i know very well how blessed and lucky i truly am to have a child. i know it is the greatest blessing that the Lord can give me. i am grateful every second of every day for it. and i hope that everyone can experience the joy of being a parent someday, no matter what the context of the situation.

however, i do need to express on a slightly deeper level why the previous "note to self" was necessary for me to blog. my pregnancy was and still remains the absolute most difficult, dark, and sad time of my life. this is my blog, and i needed to remember it. not many people know this, but in an effort to gain understanding, i will share a few very personal details: i suffered from depression. i had for years, and not even known. while i was pregnant, my hormones took an absolute nosedive. even though i was blessed with an amazingly loving and supportive family, nothing made me feel better. i never wanted to get out of bed, i couldn't get dressed in the morning, i slept 18 hours a day, i never wanted to leave the house, i thought life was pointless, i saw everything in a negative light. there were only brief moments of happiness during those first few months. those who have experienced depression know how terrible it can be -- you don't recognize yourself, you feel like you're watching your life pass you by, and it takes every ounce of energy to put on a smile and pretend like you're fine. even my closest friends had no idea what i was feeling, because i learned how to cover up my true feelings. i couldn't talk to my doctor about it, because if i felt alright just ONE day, i convinced myself that i was fine. plus, i couldn't talk about depression without breaking into tears... and that would be embarrassing. on top of absolute hopelessness, i was sick. not just like "ugh that chicken didn't settle well" sick, but sick like "everything is blurry, i can't walk, and i have barf spewing in every direction" kind of sick. it was truly the most difficult trial i've had to face.

i would never try and discount anyone else's pain and trials. i know that there are people who are suffering far greater than i will ever imagine. i hope i can be empathetic and a support to them. i really do.

my "note to self" was not an effort to complain or whine, but it was my personal approach to remembering the most trying obstacle i have ever had to face. i would hope that those suffering in their own ways would understand that this was a serious trial for me, rather than think of me as ungrateful and insensitive. we all have our own trials, and although mine may be trivial compared to others, i would hope that we could all love and support one another through our own respective challenges.

if you are fighting a very difficult and personal battle, i am truly sorry for your pain. i hope you can come out of this with a positive and uplifting outlook. in my opinion, the key to finding peace is not in harboring hurt feelings or anger towards others, but in understanding that everyone, in their own way, is fighting a battle just like you. though all our trials are very different in nature, they are the same in that it is the Lord who is giving us these trials to help us learn and grow stronger.