my brain feels like scrambled eggs
I almost don't even know what to say today. I just know that I have a lot on my mind, and, although my mind feels like an omelette, I'm sure something productive will come from my thoughts.
Mason is still in the hospital. Surprise, surprise. Apparently he is just on the tail end of the curve... meaning he falls in the 2% of babies that miraculously don't snap out of their breathing spells by this age (37 weeks.) Lucky him. Blah.
I "roomed in" with him at the hospital on Sunday night. They unhooked his big-time monitor and let me hook him up to his home monitor for the night. I set up shop in an unused labor and delivery room for the night. Obviously, I didn't sleep. But Mason did, and it was a great night! He ate really well for me. And his alarm only sounded once -- one loud beep, then it was over. He snapped out of his respiratory "dip" all by himself and after only 1 second. I felt great (albeit exhausted) the next day. I wheeled him back into the NICU and reported that he was a champion and that I could handle my own child from now on. I guess the doc needs a little more reassurance than just my unwavering confidence, because Mason is still there.
No more tears lately. That is just the way it's got to be. I can't handle the emotions anymore. I'm tired of feeling like I'm abandoning Mason. I'm tired of feeling guilty every time I leave. I'm tired of dwelling on his absence in the crib next to my side of the bed. I'm tired of thinking about how he turned one month old yesterday, and he's never been home. He's never been all mine. Frankly, I just have got to shut the thoughts out of my mind until he comes home.
I've had high expectations for him to be home well before now. With so many different opinions of different doctors and nurses rotating from day to day (and throughout the day, as well), my hopes have been raised and then crushed over and over again. One nurse pays little if any attention to a certain "spell" while the next nurse 12 hours later has a meltdown over an identical "spell". It's not the nurses' fault. It's not the doctors' fault. I just wish that Mason could have the same handful of nurses taking care of him consistently. It seems that the nurses who regularly take care of him don't trigger any breathing spells, while nurses who are new to him almost always have a problem. They just don't know his specific style and needs like other nurses (and I) do.
I feel like I could have gotten my RN degree by now. I've definitely gotten the on-site hours :) Haha. Doesn't that count for something?
Anyway, in case anyone in wondering, I'm still obsessed with Danny. He is the craziest, most energetic, sensitive little guy. I say "little guy" because I'm quite sure that he is no longer a baby nor a toddler. I can't even handle it! He is a) huge, b) chatting my ear off, c) going potty in the toilet (occasionally), d) running, jumping, playing like a teenager, e) making complete sense when he speaks. That kid has my heart, and I'm exhausted just typing about him!
Here are some pics from the last week +. Not all are from inside the white walls of the hospital, so enjoy a change of scenery :)
Mason is still in the hospital. Surprise, surprise. Apparently he is just on the tail end of the curve... meaning he falls in the 2% of babies that miraculously don't snap out of their breathing spells by this age (37 weeks.) Lucky him. Blah.
I "roomed in" with him at the hospital on Sunday night. They unhooked his big-time monitor and let me hook him up to his home monitor for the night. I set up shop in an unused labor and delivery room for the night. Obviously, I didn't sleep. But Mason did, and it was a great night! He ate really well for me. And his alarm only sounded once -- one loud beep, then it was over. He snapped out of his respiratory "dip" all by himself and after only 1 second. I felt great (albeit exhausted) the next day. I wheeled him back into the NICU and reported that he was a champion and that I could handle my own child from now on. I guess the doc needs a little more reassurance than just my unwavering confidence, because Mason is still there.
No more tears lately. That is just the way it's got to be. I can't handle the emotions anymore. I'm tired of feeling like I'm abandoning Mason. I'm tired of feeling guilty every time I leave. I'm tired of dwelling on his absence in the crib next to my side of the bed. I'm tired of thinking about how he turned one month old yesterday, and he's never been home. He's never been all mine. Frankly, I just have got to shut the thoughts out of my mind until he comes home.
I've had high expectations for him to be home well before now. With so many different opinions of different doctors and nurses rotating from day to day (and throughout the day, as well), my hopes have been raised and then crushed over and over again. One nurse pays little if any attention to a certain "spell" while the next nurse 12 hours later has a meltdown over an identical "spell". It's not the nurses' fault. It's not the doctors' fault. I just wish that Mason could have the same handful of nurses taking care of him consistently. It seems that the nurses who regularly take care of him don't trigger any breathing spells, while nurses who are new to him almost always have a problem. They just don't know his specific style and needs like other nurses (and I) do.
I feel like I could have gotten my RN degree by now. I've definitely gotten the on-site hours :) Haha. Doesn't that count for something?
Anyway, in case anyone in wondering, I'm still obsessed with Danny. He is the craziest, most energetic, sensitive little guy. I say "little guy" because I'm quite sure that he is no longer a baby nor a toddler. I can't even handle it! He is a) huge, b) chatting my ear off, c) going potty in the toilet (occasionally), d) running, jumping, playing like a teenager, e) making complete sense when he speaks. That kid has my heart, and I'm exhausted just typing about him!
Here are some pics from the last week +. Not all are from inside the white walls of the hospital, so enjoy a change of scenery :)
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| last day with the tube |
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| Getting oreo shakes at Ruby's |
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| At story time with his girlfriend, Sawyer. His signature "funny face". |
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| At the Festival of Whales in the Dana Point Harbor |
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| Being smug in the "naughty room" at church |
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| Mason's monitor. Curse you, monitor. |
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| huge child |
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| slightly neglected child |
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| love him. he is obsessed with his new bath toys (which are the same toys he has always had, just new and free of mildew, haha) |
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| daily report |
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| my breast friend |
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